Old Gender Roles With Your Dinner?

By FRANK BRUNI

TO Jenny Moon, the whole business of giving menus to women before men, taking orders from women before men and clearing women’s plates first just didn’t make sense, not in the East Village in 2008.

So, as she readied Apiary for its recent opening there, she and other managers told servers not to sweat that sort of thing. And they made sure the restaurant’s order-tracking software followed suit.

At most upscale restaurants such software lets servers note both the position at a table to which a dish is going and whether the diner is female, so the food’s couriers can plot to present dishes in a gender-conscious sequence.

For instance, servers at some restaurants can electronically punch in “L” for “lady.” But Apiary installed its software without that option. Maybe a gentleman’s dish would be set down ahead of his female companion’s. Would anyone really care?

Yes, as Ms. Moon said she learned when reading a customer comment card one night. “Serve ladies first!” it said.

Ms. Moon, one of Apiary’s principal owners, wasn’t moved to change the software. But she did tell servers that they could and should start considering gender, at least sometimes.

“Read the table,” she told them, “and if it seems like they would appreciate ladies being served first, just do it.”

Although the goal in many public places and in much of public life is to treat men and women equally, most upscale restaurants haven’t reached that point.

Then again they haven’t really tried all that hard. They’ve learned that ignoring gender is risky, and often foolish, because men and women approach and respond to restaurants in different ways, looking for different things.

A broad generalization? Absolutely. It’s also nowhere near as true as it once was.

Certain musty rites — chivalrous from one perspective, chauvinistic from another — have faded or disappeared. It’s a rare restaurant that gives menus without prices to women dining with men. And most restaurants no longer steer the “ladies” toward the banquette, assuming they want to face out toward the room.

But most restaurateurs concede that women disproportionately end up there, whether by request or reflex.

And restaurant owners, managers and servers say that in ways that are often laughably clichéd, men and women — viewed as groups, not as individuals — don’t gravitate toward the same dishes, communicate the same priorities or seek the same emotional payoff from dinner out.

All of that is taken into consideration when menus are written, rooms are painted and thermostats set.

“If you’re doing a special event, you want to know how many men, how many women,” said Moriya Bodie, who was a sommelier at Felidia and the wine and beverage director for Lever House.

“It’ll give you a sense of what to order,” she said. “And if it’s going to be a ton of women, make the room warmer. They tend to dress with more skin showing.”

“The truth,” Ms. Bodie continued, “is that there is a difference. And in the service industry, it’s your job to acknowledge it, predict it.”

I’m regularly struck by that difference when friends hit me up for restaurant recommendations.

Men rarely ask me about lighting. Women frequently do, wanting reassurance that it isn’t too bright.

Women more often ask if a menu has leaner, healthier options. Men more often ask if they can get a decent steak.

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